For many, life after football can be tough. When playing, you can feel indestructible. You’re young, famous and well paid. Thousands of people chant your name, for better or worse. Achievements are lavishly praised and mistakes are chastised. It’s a lifestyle that most find difficult to leave behind.
For former Germany goalkeeper Tim Wiese, instead of football being his lasting legacy, it could simply be the first act in his life story. After getting his contract with German club Hoffenheim terminated, he has turned to bodybuilding. Not letting the unfortunate end to his first career bother him, he says “I had to deal with all the negativity, and lifting weights is fun.” Now, it looks like it may not only be fun, but a good career move. Apparently, Wiese is considering a developmental contract offer from WWE. Of course, WWE has a history of making wrestlers out of former athletes from all over the sporting spectrum and, with the new WWE Performance Center, the chances of these former athletes becoming successes is greater than ever.
This raises an interesting question of whether football is the kind of sport capable of producing a legitimate wrestler. WWE likes to recruit failed NFL stars as the transition makes sense. American Football is incredibly physical, and the kind of athletes required to star in the NFL are similar to the kind of athletes who can star in the ring. But it would be foolish to rule-out football. Although the physical demands are different, football fans, like wrestling fans, respond to characters. Football fans love to cheer their favourites and boo their most hated players in equal measure; they have their faces and heels just like wrestling fans do.
But, of course, football is stupid and wrestling is not. Here’s ten footballers who should have left the boring, real-and-that’s-good-for-some-reason world of football behind and moved over to the exciting, anything-can-happen-no-really-anything-because-people-can-actually-write-better-stuff-if-it’s-boring world of professional wrestling…
10. Zinedine Zidane
Wrestling Name: Double Z (or ZZ)
The graceful in-ring technician. He floats around the ring with total control. He knows wrestling inside and out, a true ring master. If Dean Malenko was the man of 1,000 holds, and Chris Jericho was the man of 1,004 holds, then Double Z is the man of 17,000 holds. And he knows the counters for all of them, too. There’s nothing you can try on ZZ that he’s not seen before. He’ll counter your submissions, he’ll dodge your strikes, and he’ll catch you in mid-air if you try and go arial on him.
But here’s the thing, he’s not afraid to do whatever it takes to get the win. When a match is going the distance, and his opponent just keeps kicking out after each of his many expressive, exciting moves, ZZ has devastation in his locker: The HeadButt. No opponent has kicked out, and none will. It’s just that powerful. It’s not a move you’ll see on Raw, or even very often on pay-per-view. It’s a Wrestlemania main event move that wins championships.
There’s no question that Double Z is a top-tier babyface. The fans respect him too much for that to ever change. All the top heels have tried to take him down, only to find they just don’t quite have what it takes. And even if they do have what it takes, even if they somehow manage stand toe-to-toe with ZZ in a main event match, there’s just no stopping that devastating HeadButt.
Who He Should Feud With: Brock Lesnar
9. Cristiano Ronaldo
Wrestling Name: CR7
The international playboy who’s dripping with arrogance. A heel. Obviously. Of course he is. Sure, he gets it done in the ring, but only when the cameras are squarely on him. He only wrestles TV tapings and pay-per-views, no house shows for CR7. He’s far too important for that.
His entrance is flashy: lights dimmed, strobes, pyro, the lot. He’s big, but he’s shot with the camera low so he looks even bigger. He insists on getting all the bells and whistles. And he can certainly cut a promo. He claims he’s the best ever, but he’s always measuring himself against others; trying to out-do other’s achievements. He’s a multiple-time world champion, but he wants more.
He’s a heel, but his fancy moveset and constant showboating gets him cheers from a portion of fans, making him ripe for a big face turn if he were to finally stop trying to make the show all about him.
Who He Should Feud With: The Rock
8. Eric Cantona
Wrestling Name: King Eric
All hail King Eric, they cry. All hail King Eric! With pompous, regal music he enters the arena with an extravagant crown and a sceptre in hand. He walks slowly but purposefully, his intensity building with each step. His long, flowing gown drapes behind him as he stares down his opponent, his gaze singular and unbreakable. All hail King Eric they cry. The collar on his gown is raised.
King Eric is the type of king who would lead his men into battle from the front lines. He’s a babyface through and through. He fights for the people, and they love him for it. He’s a former champion and, of course, king of the ring winner, but he’s booked mainly in personal, non-title feuds with heels who need taught a lesson or two.
In the ring, his style is graceful. Like Double Z in many respects, but where Eric loses out to ZZ in terms of technical flair, he makes up for it with unleashed aggression. His promos are often expressive and poetic and, some would say, open to interpretation. But definitely means business. He’s happy to talk rings around his foes before he even steps into the ring with them. And when he does, he’s more than happy to finish them off with a deadly super kick finisher.
Who He Should Feud With: Triple H
7. David Beckham
Wrestling Name: David “Golden Boy” Beckham
Despite a brief run as a heel a few years ago after getting caught trying to cheat and deliver a sly kick behind the ref’s back, he’s spent most of his career as a straight up face. In the ring he’s hard-working and the fans respect him for it. He has a pretty limited moveset, but what he does have he uses brilliantly. He spends the majority of his matches getting beat down, fighting valiantly against a tough heel. He takes a lot of punishment before delivering his relentless five moves of doom and winning in style.
Out of the ring he’s incredibly marketable. His down-to-earth nature and hard-working style make him easy to sell to the public. His merch flies off the shelves. Arenas are filled with parents and kids alike draped in colourful shirts with wrestling’s “Golden Boy” all over them.
His biggest feud is with Bray Wyatt. Bray and his family question his position in the company. They taunt him and regularly beat him down, trying desperately to make him obey to their will. The family want another member and the Golden Boy would make a fine prize. Becks, though, has a strong character. Will he succumb to the eerily convincing words of Bray Wyatt?
Who He Should Feud With: Bray Wyatt
6. Vinnie Jones
Wrestling Name: The Guv’nor
Often included in lists counting the world’s “hardest” footballers, The Guv’nor makes this reputation count. He began his wrestling career as a heater for top heels. An aggressive body-man who eventually out-grew his position. Think Batista with Brother Devon. Now, he’s out on his own. He likes to pick fights with faces who are smaller than he is. Until his “pick on someone your own size” feud with Roman Reigns, that is.
His style leans, as you would expect, towards the bare knuckle brawling side of things. Lots of strikes and big power moves. He likes to take his opponents out of the ring and use whatever may be at hand. He works at a slow pace, methodically beating on whatever part of his opponent is nearest. A bit like Kevin Nash, but not horribly boring. Imagine a not horribly boring Kevin Nash.
Though a straight up heel, there’s scope for a face turn down the road. He is rather brutal in the ring, but his penchant for nut-grabbing endears him to the same fans that used to chant ECW back in the day. They make “Nut Grabber” signs and he laughs at them. Maybe one day a turn is in order.
Who He Should Feud With: Roman Reigns
5. Marta
Wrestling Name: Marta
The very top level of female wrestling, Marta has put the fitness models and glorified reality TV show stars that call themselves female wrestlers to shame. She’s a five time World Women’s Wrestler of the Year, a number that nobody else has even come close to. Not to mention being a multiple Divas Champion.
In the ring, her style is flashy but direct. Her moveset is both exciting and painful. She may not be the most high-profile of names in the women’s wrestling world, but she should be. She’s from Brazil, but that doesn’t drive her character. There’s no samba dances or Rio carnival theme music. She’s a likeable, realistic babyface. Despite her small size, she overpowers nearly everyone she gets in the ring with, and they all tap out to her submission finisher.
Oh, and she’s not on Total Divas. At all. Not even once in the background of a shot. Never. If one of the women on Total Divas were to phone her while the cameras were rolling, her side of the phone-call would be edited out. She is to go nowhere near that thing. She’s not even allowed to watch it. If she tries to watch it on her TV at home, instead she gets a clip going “nu-uh-uh” like the one Newman in Jurassic Park made, except it’s Vince McMahon and it’s much scarier. She is kept as far away from Total Divas as it is possible to be from Total Divas.
Who She Should Feud With: AJ Lee or Paige after destroying the Bella Twins
4. Diego Maradona
Wrestling Name: El Diez
The former legend from lands afar, El Diez is getting on a bit, but he can still wrestle rings around whoever he likes. He’s a man who can do anything in the ring so well he gets to choose what style he likes best. And what he likes best is being a Luchador. He just loves it. Dawning a colourful mask and tassels, El Diez jumps and flips his way to the ring with colourful lights and pyro.
His ring style is extravagant. Lots of hurricanranas and high-flying offence endear him to the fans. Perhaps, though, he’s a little too extravagant. Maybe going slightly too far to try and impress his adoring fans. El Diez would much rather perform diving top rope move than go for a simple pin, and as a result his win/loss ratio isn’t where it could be.
But he doesn’t care. He’s done it all already, he just wants to cut loose and have some fun. He is used mainly as high-profile enhancement talent, though he still gets a prominent spot on the card at every show. Not to mention house shows. Boy, does El Diez shine at house shows.
Who He Should Feud With: Cesaro
3. Mario Balotelli
Wrestling Name: Super Mario
Oh Mario, why always him? The class clown Super Mario has made more of a name for himself backstage than in the ring. He’s always up to something. He’s the go-to guy for some backstage comic relief, and his televised July 4th firework parties are legendary. Need a guy for a backstage bit to sell a product? Mario’s your guy. Need a guy in a Santa suit for a Christmas special? Mario again. Need a guy to do something backstage that’s played for laughs and doesn’t involve bodily fluids for once? That’s right, Mario it is.
Though he’s something of a comedy character, he still knows his way around a ring. He’s powerful, and can really throw a guy around in there. He just gets a little distracted from time to time, that’s all. But this loveable babyface is ripe for a big push whenever a spot opens up. He has a mean streak switch that can be flipped at any point, and a physique that wouldn’t look weird with a title belt around it.
His best angle, however, is with Damien Sandow. The two go back and forth pulling pranks on each other. Sandow’s are we’ll thought out, involve careful planning and are usually a Rube Goldberg machine of details. Mario’s are usually just a rude, Goldberg-style beating.
Who He Should Feud With: Damien Sandow
2. Zlatan Ibrahimovic
Wrestling Name: Zlatan
Simply Zlatan. A former kung-fu champion, he’s all fast-paced strikes and body-blows. His dropkick is the best in the business. He is known mostly for his promos though. Think The Rock in 2000. His promos are mesmerising, cutting down his opponents and putting himself over with one cutting phrase. He’s arrogant but loveable. He talks the talk and walks the walk better than almost anyone.
He’s a heel though. Of course. He loves being a heel too much to ever turn face. Cheers mean nothing to Zlatan. He is driven only the boos of the humiliated. Why pick a fallen man up if he wasn’t good enough to remain on his feet in the first place? Try as he might though, the fans still love him though. How can they not? He’s just too good as what he does.
In fact, he’s pretty much exactly the same as he is now. You know what? Don’t change anything. Just book him as-is. You probably don’t even need to tell him that he’s a wrestler now. He’ll be fine out there.
Who He Should Feud With: Daniel Bryan
1. Luis Suarez
Wrestling Name: Suarez
Known only as Suarez. The top heel. The biggest heel in the company. He’s not the biggest bad guy, the scariest, nor is he the most powerful. But he is the worst. Suarez simply does whatever it takes to win. Not in the fighting sense, but the cheating sense. He does it all: eye-rakes, lowblows, hair pulling and, yup, biting. All the biting. Constantly biting people.
He comes to the ring in a muzzle. His music is brooding, though he himself seems calm. His muzzle is on tight, but there are no other visible signs that this guy is the worst. It’s not until he gets in the ring that it becomes obvious just what this guy is willing to do to get a win. The muzzle is taken off and Suarez is set loose on his opponent by his advocate: Paul Heyman.
That’s right, he’s a Paul Heyman guy. Heyman does all the talking for Suarez. He turned him into the monster he is today, focusing his rampant desire to cheat into a will for championships. Since then, Suarez has become a multi-time World Champion. Can he be stopped? Can anyone beat him? Enter John Cena. Surely even Cena can get cheered wrestling Suarez.
Who He Should Feud With: John Cena
